I'm · safe · in · the · fold

- talk.
Yesterday someone told me a secret and today I almost talked about it openly when I realized IT WAS A SECRET. And then I paused. "So what were you saying about so and so?"
and I said... oh... I forgot.
- think.
not about God, and definitely not about homework, but about people and what they think about me and about me and what I think about myself. It's too much. I'm trying to redirect this thinking into Jesus firstly, and then some homework. Even this post is about me as I am typing this AFGHHHHHH I can't get away from it!
- spend money... yearg. As soon as I got it, it's gone. And when I don't got it, I think about the things I need to get when I do got it. :P
- eat. I don't care about counting calories or any of that, but that can be a problem, because I will feast any available time just because I feel like it and I don't want to be legalistic about it. But there is the other extreme.

Thankfully, I'm going to be getting some money advice, and Jesus is taking care of the brain things and... well this post is a signifier that I recognize these problems and I'm going to make an effort to make it right.
Thanks fo listnen.

1. The sermons have been on suffering, which especially in the past week have been relevant. I've been realizing my limits as far as social engagements and time commitments go and now I'm cutting back. It's nice to do.

Moreso I've been dealing with my extensive daddy issues, which I am now convinced most people have due to less than awesome fathers. It sucks. If any one wants to talk with me on this issue, feel free.

The good news about that is God is faithful and he's using my dad issues to sanctify me, but also for my relationship with Him, because he's the only place I'm going to get the true love I should have gotten from my dad.

2. Grad school for creative writing? Not for awhile though... I figured out I'm graduating Fall '10. Boston in the fall? Hmmm :)
I'm thinking currently about what to do in between graduating and grad school. Something to do with travel.

3. Boys are dumb. It's a God-given form of birth control. Thanks God.

4. I'm joining my brother Josh's community group as a way to hang out with him more. The people in the group are pretty cool too, haha.

5. My mom is ridiculously strong and amazing. God has used my dad's inadequecy to make this happen.

6. Graduating soon means moving out soon, and this is what's really cool about it: in the last year and a half, God has worked tremendously in our family (minus the dad) and it's clear that we love each other a lot more than we used to. We get along now, and I have good relationships with my mom and my sister, and right now God's working on mine with Josh. It's pretty exciting. If I had moved out for college it would be much harder for this to happen.

7. On a lesser note, 80's music is a huge part of my life.

8. On a greater note than previous, so is CS Lewis, although his genius was countered by a little insanity, I'm starting to notice.

 9. I'm going to be leading a women's community group. Let me know if anyone wants to stop in some time.

10. Summer is coming! Yikes. Run!

11. My linguistics class is amazing.

12. I made some lumpy vases today- also, somebody blew me off after I said that I needed to cut down on social engagements, saying that it was ART, implying that art is easy peasy lemon squeezy. I was kind of really annoyed by that comment and I'm still kind of mad, and I want to tell them to go make ME some historical vases, that would be nice! I don't think this person has actually made a lot of art. This point also relates to #3.

13. I love our espresso machine.

14. I'm currently writing a story about a girl murdering her father's mistress. Yikes!

15. I finally got some sleep last night.

16. I am currently reading Jeremiah (the weeping prophet). Everyone's trying to kill him and then God smites them.

17. My brother hates it when I say "True story," which in turn makes me think of  'Chareth Cutestory'
"What's your name?"
"Chareth. Cute story..."
"Chareth Cutestory? I like it..."

19. Mine and Marci's new tv pastime is Buffy. Eek :) :)

20. I still think Twitter takes over people's lives.

I have been a little bit psycho paranoid this week about various social situations. I've found that anxiety is like an addictive drug. If I'm not worried about this person thinking this bad stuff about me, I'm worried that people think I'm dating this other person. It's ridiculous. It's because I'm not seeing myself as a servant of Christ and a child of God. When I stop seeing myself as either of those things, I seek my own "kingdom" in a sense, all based on what other people think about me, which ends up in this anxious pit of social crap.

If I can see myself in Jesus, I can look at what he wants and show other people what he's about, knowing that I'm going to mess up along the way, that he knows I will too, and that he's already died for that. In his eyes I am pure by his grace, and that's all that matters.

I realized that I just need to love God more than myself. It sounds simple, but all this time, though I've considered myself apart of God's big plan, it's all been for me, how he's making me a better person, how I am fulfilled in him, etc. And that's why I'm distracted so easily by boy attention and my own popularity. Because when it comes down to it, I've been in it for me.

But I want to be in it for Him.
Amen.

By Jesus's grace, I will be the sister and daughter and friend he wants me to be.
God's done so much in just the past year, when I "decided" that I needed to learn to love my family first before I could have a romance.
And behind my back, he's been working on it for me :)

God has shown me what a wonderful blessing my mother is.

My father still isn't perfect.
God showed me that I was angry at Him for not making things better when I always thought conciously that I could never be mad at God.
And after that, He encouraged me by showing me that He really is changing my father, even if it is slowly. I am praying and striving towards being able to love him as my enemy not reacting in hatred or anger but in love. I pray that for all of my family.

God showed me that I have been an ungracious sister. I've been angry at Josh for treating me the way that I treat him and yelling at him for it. I've neglected my little sister and not encouraged her in the way that she needs to be encouraged. I've been pushing away the love of my family in general, which is heartbreaking, but God is leading the way...

Happy I've Been Single for a Year Day.

It's like God turns the convictions He gives me into commitments, and He keeps them.

We say that God is all powerful and that we trust him, but sometimes we don't really trust him. Yes, it's hypocritical and foolish. But If we all trusted God automatically, we'd be perfect already. If everyone did what they knew was the right thing, we wouldn't have a problem, would we?

I don't think trust in God should be dismissed though... I'm going to read my Bible every day now. Because I trust that God will renew me through His Word like He promised. God always keeps His promises.

Thanks, Dad. <3

ps. Brielle, thanks for the hug.

I got $3000 in scholarships....which wasn't near enough.

This afternoon was like being asked out by the boy I like only to find out that I can't date him. 

So I'm not going to London.

Mom says, "It wasn't meant to be. You just have to wait until the right boy comes along."
I reply, "I know, that's why it's over, I'm done, and I never want to think about him again."
Mom: "It was over before it started, huh?"

Also, I've been convicted lately that if I travel I should probably do ministry instead of Peace Corps.
Next?

Keep on saving (a newly learned skill...which should have happened more for London), work on my requirements and finishing school, keep making art & writing... bless the people around me...follow Jesus OF COURSE...

and eventually follow the course of going into a ministry that travels, if the opportunity comes up.

Ps. I have a job that will contribute to the saving somewhat. So I can keep practicing putting that money away instead of spending it.

Thank you Jesus, for always leading me and teaching me, whether or not I'm paying attention.

I hate that I try to reinvent myself continually in order to find some kind of meaning to my existence.
My identity is in Jesus.

From the recesses of my memory of Bible stories I've realized that I really like the name Joash. If I have a son I want to name him that.

One of my new favorite songs right now is Rilo Kiley's "Breakin' Up." It seems to be about this girl who's just broken up with someone again and she finds herself just hoping that the person ends up being happy. During the chorus she asks "Did my heart break enough this time?" and "Did your heart break enough?" It's an upbeat song but it captures that feeling after a disappointed relationship... when you start to get over it but you don't really want to because it's depressing to your old sense of romanticism. But I've realized that it is ok to feel that way. Because the point of life isn't to find your soul mate. Marriage is a side thing, and the main attraction is Jesus. He'll bring us to the person he wants us to be with, and until that happens, moving on is healthy and good. It all makes sense :)

Post Script: I decided that I like my hair color the way it is now and I'm not going to dye it. My art didn't get into the school gallery. But that's ok because I was just recycling old class projects and I'm going to try again this February. No news yet of London money.

I'm listening to my brother snore under the table like he's going to suffocate himself.

Anyways, after doing the whole cycle of leaving Jesus and then being drawn back to him, I've realized that once again, I can really trust him. He's trustworthy. Once I was worried I would end up marrying a guy just because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Shortly after he went to public school and I never saw him anymore. I was afraid Sam wasn't the one. Jesus took care of that too by pretty much telling me to break up with him. I've been afraid about boys and that I will mess things up-- the truth is, I CAN mess things up. But Jesus will consistently fix it. So it doesn't really matter what I do, Jesus's plan is what's going to happen.

Guys don't stress me out. But marriage does. Which is interesting... but then I'm not ready anyways.

Also- I said once that I needed to work on things with my family before I ever got married... I haven't even been thinking about that whole marriage requirement thing, or trying to "work" on things with my family... but it's gotten so much better... I feel love towards them and love toward me. God is good.

The clear blue lighter in his hand seemed so insignificant. It was a cloudy day. The blue of the sky could not be seen, but the dark patterns of light and gray fringed with the branches of the yellowing trees refracted on the plastic like it was intentional. This morning he had gotten up before Gina, as he'd normally done each morning, grabbing his keys and his wool hat. She would wake up later, move herself into her wheelchair and recommence calling around for jobs. He drove to the animal shelter and talked to his favorite pets. Shandy, a blonde pug, loved the way he smelled of smoke and fried food. He could tell by the way she sniffed him enthusiastically all over. A nice looking woman who was leaving the area and could not bring Shandy with her for some reason, dropped her off a few weeks ago with a short "Thanks." Shandy would have to be put to sleep soon.
Faye-faye the orange tabby was his second stop. He found Faye in a trash can on the beach. She liked sardines and celery, of all things. He pulled a stick out of his pocket while she pawed at it and eventually nibbled on it.
Gina's face was compressed with the late incoming of unpayable bills. He had watched the pantry's supply slowly dwindle, and all that was left in the fridge now was the half-empty bottles of mustard and ketchup. It didn't help that he felt so sorry for the animals. But the truth was they weren't going to be able to keep up the shelter anymore either. And nobody in this town cared about the animals more than themselves except for him.
He had gone for a walk. He clicked his lighter over and over again, like a comforting mantra. The last thing he had wanted for his wife was to have to deal with this. He grabbed a plastic container with a convenient handle and his pipe. They were living in what was about to be a ghost town. The abandoned shops and mini-marts, already stripped of their goods reminded him of zombie movies. Paper and aluminum debris scattered across the sidewalk with the cold breeze. He continued down to the wharf. When he was younger he'd come here to think, to regain his hope, to mingle with what was the life-force of his dreams. The water lapped against the shore behind him and his boots knocked against the wood. Squatted down, brought out his pipe, lit it, and then puffed on it for awhile.
He looked to his haven of hope. There was no answer. He stood up and wiped his hands on his faded jeans. He had lines in his face. Wrinkles around his mouth from smiling, but there hadn't been a smile there for quite some time. He brought the canister to his mouth, as if to drink, but then he soused it all about his neck, his chest, his back. The liquid flowed to the toes in his boots. He used to eat five meals a day when he wrestled in high school. He never gave it a second thought back then. Now he would have to watch his own wife waste away in front of him. He stared at the lighter again. And click, it was all about to be over.

So... I'm about to move on. Well. I am currently in the mental process of actually making the move-on. Because although emotionally I'm mostly no longer entwined with him or hurt by him... there's this part of me I guess that hasn't let go. That's been hoping, that one day...
But, he's a kid, and it's not going to work out as far as I can tell. All this time I've been suspecting, just like before the breakup, that this needed to happen, but I've been afraid that we are, somehow, actually meant to be together and that if I cut off all ties that I'd ruin everything. But if he hadn't been my boyfriend, by now I would have told him a long time ago that I'm absolutely not interested. And I've also been afraid of hurting him, but that's going to happen whether I tell him now or later, and it's just going to be worse for both of us if I let this sickly, pale, clammy hope scraggle on.

I'm going to take that scraggly hope out back... and have it shot.

For now, I'm working up the gumption and the right words to put it as kindly as possible.

Yes! Shoot the hope! Shoot the hope! I want to get on with my life so badly.

Is the title of a poem I wrote for class today. Haha. I'm starting to grow fond of my writing classes. Besides the reflections I have to write.

So...God's been pointing out numerous things to me in the past week or so. It's awesome but it didn't feel too good at the time. I'm thankful though that God doesn't just let me get away with stuff. He grabs me by the scruff of the neck and brings me to his big face and says, Jenn, what exactly the hell do you think you're doing? And then sits me on his lap and we look down at the guillotine I was about to chop off my leg with. And I say... hey, thanks.

I don't really think God swears. But I'm pretty sure he'd do the neck scruff thing. I'm really excited for the Mars Hill College Advance next weekend. Also... it's in Warm Beach. Which is always a good thing.

Last night a baby fell asleep on me...sigh. I love other people's kids :)

I got convicted that I don't really push my Christian friends to be better because that would mean I would have to change too. Lame.